Indian marriages - arranged or love ?

I came out of Quality hotel Globe and walked to the cab. The chauffeur wished me and getting  into the cab I told him “Kaknästornet tower”.

He started the car and drove it very fast. I was not so comfortable with his speed and said “So fast?”

He looked back at me and said “No issues. This is normal speed here. You are an Indian?”

“Yeah”

“You know English?”

 I said “I had my education in English”.

He smiled and said “Very nice to know that you people know European language so well”.

I replied “I am surprised to find lot of people speaking very good English here in Stockholm.”

Few more minutes on the road and we reached the destination. I got down from the cab and looked around.

“Hi” Benedikta wished.

I reciprocated. We took the lift and went to the floor where the restaurant was located. On entering we were greeted by our friends who were already seated on the chairs around the tables. It was the first day of the sales meet of European countries and three of us from India were invited as guests.

It was a very beautiful location and the candle lit dinner was the best thing to happen.

Within minutes everyone started talking and laughing. Wine, scotch, beer and soft drinks were served and guys were comfortable.

The French guy Adrien looked at me and asked “Shall I ask you one question?”

“Go ahead” I said.

“What is caste? Who is big and who is small? I am confused”

I looked at my Indian colleagues. All of us smiled. We knew that it would take many months for this guy to understand the concept of caste of Indian society.

I told him “It is a very simple concept but has been made very complicated. As per ancient books, people of those days were classified based on the jobs they did. As time passed by it became caste and the society today has hundreds of castes”

He continued “If a lady belonging to a higher caste marries a guy from a lower caste, will she become lower or he becomes higher?”

I replied “There is no written confirmation for this as in those days people used to marry from their own castes. It is only of late that people have opened up and the barriers of caste are being broken and inter-caste marriages are more.”

Allie looked at me and asked “I heard that in India you have more arranged marriages than love marriages”

“Yes” I replied.

She continued “How can one arrange a marriage? Marriage will be with a person you meet, date, like, love and then propose”

I smiled and said “Things are a little different in our society. Our society is very heterogeneous and has people belonging to hundreds of castes, languages and regions. India is a sub continent. In case of Sweden the population is homogeneous and the culture of all the people is more or less the same.

Indian society is typical and each community has its own traditions and rituals. They are comfortable with people of their own clan.

This is the reason why people have traditionally opted for arranged marriages”

Adrien interrupted “I do not understand all this. What has tradition and rituals got to do with lives of individuals who want to get married”

I continued “In India  marriage is not between two individuals alone. It is the coming together of two families. The story does not end with the girl and the boy liking each other. The parents and the family members also play a role.”

Allie smiled and said “Though the logic appears Greek and Latin to me, I respect the thought process of the people. After all about one billion people subscribe to this method of getting married. There should be something magical in it”

“ I agree” I said and continued “ In many cases the boy and the girl get married and then fall in love with one another and spend rest of their lives blissfully together. Take my case. Mine is an arranged marriage.”

Samba Shivappa intervened and said “Sometimes arranged marriage is a pain. Take the case of my eldest sister. My Brother-In-Law is a nut and he has not spent even a day happily with her. They got married about twenty five years ago and he belongs to our community and from the same town. She has been tolerating him is silence and many times has come to our house crying. I feel helpless looking at her”

“Oh yeah, I have heard about such cases” said Bernadhina. She had told me that she visited south India with a group of NGOs.

“I have met ladies who have silently tolerated the misadventures of the men folk. I swear I could not digest that. In Sweden we have women who consider themselves either superior or equal to men” she said.

I added “One thing about Indians is that we are very tolerant and accommodating. We consider marriage not as an agreement but as an institution. We revere the concept and try to stick to one another by giving a very long rope to the partner.

The best thing to happen would be choosing a partner and getting married. This would reduce the burden on the parents.

But many times boys and girls fall in love during their college days. They project their better sides to their partners and build castles in air. Once they get married, reality stares and they start blaming one another. It appears as if they exhaust love for each other before marriage itself.

To sum up, in India love or arranged marriages are successful depending upon the understanding between the partners. “

Allie remarked “That is very true. Though we have a very forward looking society in our country, there are many marital issues. The logic is universal. A marriage stays longer only if there is proper coordination, trust and understanding between the partners. India surely shows the way for the rest of the world as it is one of the few places where the partners have options either to fall in love and marry or allow elders to arrange a marriage”.

At this stage Mr. Patel, the sales director of US operations commented “I left India in the early seventies and have settled down in the US since then. I have the advantage of knowing the cultures of India, US, Europe and the Far East. Indians and people of Indian origin are generally tolerant in nature. The offshoot of this mentality is the arranged marriage institution. They have good trust in their parents and siblings. Family matters a lot to them.

 That is the reason why many arranged or love marriages last a life time amongst them. This is not to take away the credit from others. I see many American and European marriages also lasting a life time.”

There was a long pause and silence for couple of minutes. Benedikta looked at me and said in a lighter vein “Hey you have hijacked the evening. I would like to get married. Will you please help me in an arranged marriage? But the condition is that he should be a Swede and from Stockholm.”

Everyone around laughed and I commented “Not possible for me. Not in this lifetime”

JUSTIFYING THE HURT

“Shall I call you?” Rahul sent the text message.

He did not get any reply. He left the mobile phone in his hostel room and went  to the canteen. He had his Sunday breakfast and tea.

After about half an hour he returned to his room and checked if any reply had come on his mobile.

He could not find any message.

He locked his room and went to Sanjay’s room. Sanjay was reading the latest sports magazine. He was more than happy to have Rahul in his room as he had no other work to do. The case study work due for Monday was completed already.

They were doing their Post Graduation in Management and specializing in Marketing.

 “So Rahul how are things man?” Sanjay said.

“Not so good dude” He replied.

“Why? What happened?” Sanjay asked.

“You are aware that Vidya  is my friend. Over the past few months we have become very good friends”

Vidya was their batch mate and her specialization was human resources.

Sanjay replied “I am aware of it.”

“There is a good connect between us as we think alike. It all started when we both went to the debate competition as a team to the management meet. We could coordinate very well and won the first place amongst 22 management schools”

Sanjay got up from the chair and said that they should go out for a walk and discuss the issue.

Within ten minutes time they were walking on the lawns of the university. It was very serene as the university had hundreds of trees and was fondly called as the lungs of the city.

Rahul continued “I have developed huge respect for her.”

Sanjay said “I know about it. Why are you telling me these things now?”

They stopped at the tea shop and Rahul ordered two teas. Sipping the tea, they settled on the chairs in the lawn .

“Continue” Sanjay said.

“Today morning I sent a text message asking her if I could call her.”

“Did you speak to her after that?”

“No” he said and continued “Since two days she is not taking my calls. She is not responding to my text messages also. The morning message was the third since yesterday”

Sanjay looked at him and said “Something looks wrong. Did you say anything or crossed the limit anytime?”

Rahul was immediate in his response “I dare not do it. I am very cautious while speaking to her. I need to tell you one thing. She has been telling me that she is busy with project work and I should avoid calling often”

Sanjay smiled and told him “She is right. You both attended some debate competition together and she spoke to you well when both of you had time. you cannot expect the same response always.”

Rahul stared at him and said “Do not think that I am not aware of it. I have been trying to explain to her that I do understand that she is pressed for time. I wanted her to acknowledge the fact that I was a good friend and understood her situation. But I did not get a proper opportunity to say and I got hurt. I have been trying to justify the hurt and called her on her mobile few times”

Sanjay wondered what solution Rahul was looking for. It was a case of simple communication gap. Vidya had her project work and she wanted to be left alone. Rahul was trying to contact her and was getting hurt as she was not responding.

Sanjay asked “I do not understand as to why you are getting so much attached to her response. Have you started liking her?

Rahul’s response was immediate “Come on dude, never ever think on those lines. Her wave length matches very much with mine in the same way as your wavelength matches. She is my good friend and I would never dare think like that”

If it was someone else he would have thought that Rahul was a nut. Sanjay knew him since Pre University and Engineering days. He was a very soft guy and always gave importance to friends and friendship.

Sanjay patted Rahul on the back and said “Dude I know you very well. I also know Vidya well.

There is a child in both of you. Stop contacting her for some time. Let her complete the project work and feel free. I am sure that she would contact  and talk to you”

Rahul shook his head and said “I don’t think so. Sometimes you have to give up on people not because you don’t care but because they don’t”

Sanjay had no answer to the philosophical statement.

They got up from the chairs and went back to the hostel rooms.

One month passed and it was a Sunday again. Rahul came running to Sanjay’s room and said “Dude she has send me a text message. I told you earlier that I respect her a lot and she deserves it”

Sanjay wondered how amazing it was that one text message from a person could change the entire mood.

He got up from the chair and asked him to read the message.

He read it out “you should have lot of friends who understand what you say but you should also have at least one friend who understands what you do not say. I thank you for being with me for the past few days. I was very busy and you understood what I did not say”

Rahul said “Sanjay it was good that I did not send her any text message expressing my hurt. Sometimes it is good if we keep such things to ourselves and allow time to heal”

Sanjay smiled and said “My friend I hope you learn from this. Friendship is something which cannot be based on expectations. You expected Vidya to respond the same way always. She had her priorities set. The beauty of the matter is that the moment she became free, she contacted you back. Good friends need not talk to one another daily. Wishing once in a while is enough to keep the connect intact.”

She loved him, he loved her & they lived happily ever after – Part 2

 

Narrated earlier…

I was narrating the interesting two decade old love story of Pramod and Susan to our friends.

 Pramod was studying in an engineering college.

He had a huge crush on Vandana but his love was rejected by her as she had no intent of falling in love with anyone. Education was of high priority for her.

Susan, a very beautiful and balanced girl liked Pramod and told  me about her love for him.

Narration continues…

It was six in the evening. Pramod came to my room. I scanned him from top to bottom. I had never seen him looking so handsome. He had taken bath twice in the day for the first time and was dressed neatly. I looked at his slippers. They were torn at the back.

I told him “Wear my sandals. They are much better”. He thanked me and after wearing my sandals walked away.

In about half an hour’s time Pramod and Susan were walking together in the extension area where not many people were around.

“So, Vandana is more beautiful compared to me?” Susan asked.

Pramod replied “Please Sussie do not embarrass me further. It was infatuation. I have immense respect for her after this. I want her to concentrate on studies and wish her a very good future”

Susan remarked “Hey Pramod, hold on. We are not here to fall in love and neglect studies. You know very well that I am second in my class.”

Pramod laughed and said “Please promise me not to talk about Vandana anymore. To tell you the truth I always liked you. I was hesitant as you come from a very rich family”.

It was getting darker. Susan started walking closer to Pramod and held his hand. It was like a jolt for Pramod. He had never held the hands of a girl. He held her hand tight. They walked further on the road and she placed her head on his shoulder. Pramod was in seventh heaven.  He stopped and with tears in his eyes said “Sussie, promise me that you will never ever leave me.”

Susan looked into his eyes and said “I shall never ever leave you. My upbringing has been very good. We value human relations very much. I like you not for your looks. I like you as you are very true at heart. In fact I see a child in you which appeals to me. Promise me that you will never leave me even if it comes to opposing your community people”

Pramod held her hands very tightly and replied “I will tell my mother about this during my next visit to Dharwad. I do not have the guts to tell my father. I know my mother will accept this unconditionally. She is an angel. She will in turn convince my father. You will know in days to come that once I commit myself I will not go back. I am soft at heart and will never ever ditch anybody”

Susan had tears in her eyes and said “ I know that you are like this. Please study well and get a good job. You should take care of your family. I anyway am doing well in my studies. We shall take up with our families a year after completion of our course”

The next few days were very exciting in their lives. Every day evening Pramod used to go to the ladies hostel and go out for a walk with Susan. They would stop at eateries and have the street food.

Soon they became the talk of the college. It was obvious as Susan was the most beautiful girl around and Pramod was quiet popular.

I was observing them daily and praying that nothing wrong should happen in the cute love story.

That day in the afternoon Pramod came running to me and said “Did you see the wall of the college?”

“No but what happened?”

“Come with me and see it with your own eyes”

He dragged me to the wall and I saw what was written there.

Someone had written “Pramod Dsouza + Susan Kulkarni” on the wall.

I told him “Take it easy buddy. It was bound to happen. Everyone knows about you guys. Someone has played a dirty trick on you”

“I am worried about Susan”

“Do not worry about her. I know she is a very bold girl. She will face it well”

Daniel  was a far relative of Susan and was her classmate. He also had a secret crush on her. He was not happy with the developments. One day in the college canteen I overheard him talking ill of Pramod. I intervened and warned him to keep away from Pramod and Susan.

That night at around 2 AM there was a knock on my door. I opened it. It was Daniel. I was surprised.

 I asked him “What now?”

He told me “Jaggu bhai wants to meet you and Pramod”

“We shall meet him in the morning. But why now?”

“If you do not come he will come to the hostel and beat you guys”

In about twenty minutes time me, Pramod and Daniel were in Jaggu’s room. He was a senior student whom we used to call as founder member as we had lost count of the number of years he had spent in the college.

He was drunk. He looked at me and said “Hey you mediator. What do you think of yourself? You want to snatch the girl from Daniel”

He then looked at Pramod and said “You go and do pooja in the temple. You have come here to study and stop poking your dirty nose elsewhere. From tomorrow if we see you with Daniel’s girl, you had it”

I was sweating. I never had such experience before. I kept quiet.

Pramod could not. He said “What will you do? Who are you? I will meet Susan. She is my girl. I do not care who this Daniel is”

Jaggu became wild. He got up from his chair went straight to Pramod and slapped him hard. Pramod fell down. Tears came in his eyes. There were red finger marks on his white cheek.

 I looked at Jaggu with anger and shouted “Are you human?”

At this stage Jaggu’s friend got up and gestured me to go out. He lifted Pramod and escorted us to the door and told us to go away.

Next day Susan came to know about this. She went running to the Mechanical department. Shastri sir was taking Turbo Machinery class. She peeped in the window. She could see the red marks on Pramod’s face. She could not hold back. She started sobbing.

Shastri saw her. Susan noticed that Shastri Sir had observed her. She ran out of the department.

She went to the telephone booth in the college and called her brother Samuel. Samuel was a successful businessman in Mangalore. He would go to any extent to keep her happy. On hearing the story he promised her that he would reach her college in a day.

 

The next day we were sitting on the lawn near the college. Samuel was sitting with his friend Purshottam, a local thug. Daniel was standing in front of Samuel. He was shit scared. Samuel warned him pointing his fingers to him “Keep away from Susan. If I hear about you again your hands and legs would be broken .This is a promise made by Purshottam.”

Purshottam added “Samuel anna do not worry about the college thug Jaggu. He is a very small guy. Susan is my sister. I will ensure no one will trouble her henceforth”

I walked up to Samuel and said “Anna please understand that Susan and Pramod love each other very truly. They need your blessings”

Samuel gestured Susan to come closer to him. He hugged her and kissing on her forehead said “My angel sister whatever you do is OK with me. I shall talk to father at the right time”

I looked around. There was pin drop silence in Sujan Chandy’s house. Everyone was fully immersed in my Narration about the love story of Pramod and Susan.

I got up and said “The story ends there. You all know what happened later.”

Mini Mathew clapped. Everyone clapped. Mini had tears in her eyes and she went to Susan, hugged her and said something in Tulu language which we could not understand.

Ranjan spoke “I always had a doubt. I wanted to ask Pramod and Susan”

“Please ask us” Susan said.

Ranjan continued “Did Pramod covert to Christianity or Susan became a Hindu?”

I did not like his question.

Susan smiled. She walked towards  Pramod.

She held his hand and replied “We are Indians first and will remain Indians till we last. Religion is strictly a personal thing for us. Other things do not matter.”

Everyone including Ranjan got up and started clapping in appreciation.