Indian marriages - arranged or love ?

I came out of Quality hotel Globe and walked to the cab. The chauffeur wished me and getting  into the cab I told him “Kaknästornet tower”.

He started the car and drove it very fast. I was not so comfortable with his speed and said “So fast?”

He looked back at me and said “No issues. This is normal speed here. You are an Indian?”

“Yeah”

“You know English?”

 I said “I had my education in English”.

He smiled and said “Very nice to know that you people know European language so well”.

I replied “I am surprised to find lot of people speaking very good English here in Stockholm.”

Few more minutes on the road and we reached the destination. I got down from the cab and looked around.

“Hi” Benedikta wished.

I reciprocated. We took the lift and went to the floor where the restaurant was located. On entering we were greeted by our friends who were already seated on the chairs around the tables. It was the first day of the sales meet of European countries and three of us from India were invited as guests.

It was a very beautiful location and the candle lit dinner was the best thing to happen.

Within minutes everyone started talking and laughing. Wine, scotch, beer and soft drinks were served and guys were comfortable.

The French guy Adrien looked at me and asked “Shall I ask you one question?”

“Go ahead” I said.

“What is caste? Who is big and who is small? I am confused”

I looked at my Indian colleagues. All of us smiled. We knew that it would take many months for this guy to understand the concept of caste of Indian society.

I told him “It is a very simple concept but has been made very complicated. As per ancient books, people of those days were classified based on the jobs they did. As time passed by it became caste and the society today has hundreds of castes”

He continued “If a lady belonging to a higher caste marries a guy from a lower caste, will she become lower or he becomes higher?”

I replied “There is no written confirmation for this as in those days people used to marry from their own castes. It is only of late that people have opened up and the barriers of caste are being broken and inter-caste marriages are more.”

Allie looked at me and asked “I heard that in India you have more arranged marriages than love marriages”

“Yes” I replied.

She continued “How can one arrange a marriage? Marriage will be with a person you meet, date, like, love and then propose”

I smiled and said “Things are a little different in our society. Our society is very heterogeneous and has people belonging to hundreds of castes, languages and regions. India is a sub continent. In case of Sweden the population is homogeneous and the culture of all the people is more or less the same.

Indian society is typical and each community has its own traditions and rituals. They are comfortable with people of their own clan.

This is the reason why people have traditionally opted for arranged marriages”

Adrien interrupted “I do not understand all this. What has tradition and rituals got to do with lives of individuals who want to get married”

I continued “In India  marriage is not between two individuals alone. It is the coming together of two families. The story does not end with the girl and the boy liking each other. The parents and the family members also play a role.”

Allie smiled and said “Though the logic appears Greek and Latin to me, I respect the thought process of the people. After all about one billion people subscribe to this method of getting married. There should be something magical in it”

“ I agree” I said and continued “ In many cases the boy and the girl get married and then fall in love with one another and spend rest of their lives blissfully together. Take my case. Mine is an arranged marriage.”

Samba Shivappa intervened and said “Sometimes arranged marriage is a pain. Take the case of my eldest sister. My Brother-In-Law is a nut and he has not spent even a day happily with her. They got married about twenty five years ago and he belongs to our community and from the same town. She has been tolerating him is silence and many times has come to our house crying. I feel helpless looking at her”

“Oh yeah, I have heard about such cases” said Bernadhina. She had told me that she visited south India with a group of NGOs.

“I have met ladies who have silently tolerated the misadventures of the men folk. I swear I could not digest that. In Sweden we have women who consider themselves either superior or equal to men” she said.

I added “One thing about Indians is that we are very tolerant and accommodating. We consider marriage not as an agreement but as an institution. We revere the concept and try to stick to one another by giving a very long rope to the partner.

The best thing to happen would be choosing a partner and getting married. This would reduce the burden on the parents.

But many times boys and girls fall in love during their college days. They project their better sides to their partners and build castles in air. Once they get married, reality stares and they start blaming one another. It appears as if they exhaust love for each other before marriage itself.

To sum up, in India love or arranged marriages are successful depending upon the understanding between the partners. “

Allie remarked “That is very true. Though we have a very forward looking society in our country, there are many marital issues. The logic is universal. A marriage stays longer only if there is proper coordination, trust and understanding between the partners. India surely shows the way for the rest of the world as it is one of the few places where the partners have options either to fall in love and marry or allow elders to arrange a marriage”.

At this stage Mr. Patel, the sales director of US operations commented “I left India in the early seventies and have settled down in the US since then. I have the advantage of knowing the cultures of India, US, Europe and the Far East. Indians and people of Indian origin are generally tolerant in nature. The offshoot of this mentality is the arranged marriage institution. They have good trust in their parents and siblings. Family matters a lot to them.

 That is the reason why many arranged or love marriages last a life time amongst them. This is not to take away the credit from others. I see many American and European marriages also lasting a life time.”

There was a long pause and silence for couple of minutes. Benedikta looked at me and said in a lighter vein “Hey you have hijacked the evening. I would like to get married. Will you please help me in an arranged marriage? But the condition is that he should be a Swede and from Stockholm.”

Everyone around laughed and I commented “Not possible for me. Not in this lifetime”